It felt more like a dream or was it because that’s what I wanted it be; nothing but a dream? Weeks passed by and my belly was growing, every day I came to terms with it, the fact that I was going to be a mother. My friends proposed that I have an abortion, but how do I live knowing that I am a murderer, will God even forgive me for that, first I commit sexual immorality and then commit murder, now that is something I was never going to be able to live with. I decided to keep the baby; it was my baby, my precious baby bump.
Two months later the man who did this to me sent me a message saying “bona gore o dirang ka ngwana yong, my wife had a heart attack and kgang eo e ka mmolaa”. My world shattered, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, all the promises he made to me went down the drain. I felt all alone, the friends I had were no where to be found, my parents where highly disenchanted in me. I started loathing this “little devil” as I referred to it developing in me. This is not how I premeditated my life, how can I let a man who has no care for me destroy my life like this. I started having thoughts of taking my life, but how is that going to solve anything?
One cold winter morning I was walking from the clinic home, misplaced in my thoughts, could barely notice the little school kids fighting in front of me, something mysteriously got my attention, it was a little paper written “ THERE IS A FRIEND IN JESUS”. With a hopeless life I was leading, I unquestionably needed a friend. I picked the paper and read through, it was an invitation to a church crusade, it looked convincing, I wanted to know more about this friend. But how will I ever be welcomed in the house of the Lord when I am clearly a sinner? Even though I had my doubts, the little voice inside me anguished me day and night and I finally went.
As I approached the building that seemed like a church, a young lady came to me and received me with a smile and offered me a seat, it was most welcoming, I haven’t had anyone smiling at me in a while. I gently sat down and prudently listened to the preacher, after a lifetime of never being in church this felt worthy. After close to an hour of preaching it was time to go home, while everyone was greeting and chatting with each other, I walked out. I wanted to be alone and digest what I just heard.
I lay on my bed at night as I couldn’t sleep, I had a lot in my head as usual, but that night for a change the words that were running through my mind was what the preacher said that afternoon, the question he left us with “what do you live for”. Seven months pregnant and I had nothing I was living for; I was leading a hopeless and bitter life. I detested myself, I detested my baby father, I detested my friends for they left me after introducing to this pathetic excuse of a man who took my innocence and discarded me like yesterday’s newspaper. But the words from that sermon gave me hope, the preacher clearly stated that there was nothing God couldn’t forgive us for, and that the world had nothing to offer us except pain. I was ready and willing to find comfort in this friend Jesus; I was yeaning to know more about Him and what He can do for me. I have given everything a chance but It did not work for me, It did not give me the everlasting love, joy and peace that this Jesus was offering me.
After a month of going to church I was starting to feel alive again, I made friends who were less judgmental, the friends who taught me something no one ever cared to teach me; Prayer. Every night I kneeled down and prayed, I asked God to forgive me of my sins, I even had the courage to read a bible, I was starting to enjoy the scriptures. I started accepting the baby growing inside me; I prayed for it all the time, it was my baby, my precious baby bump. The time arrived for me to give birth, it was a bouncing baby boy and I named it “Botshelo” which means Life. This baby gave me life; it was because of this baby that I know about God and his promises for me. I gave up my life as a person of the world and started living for God. I might have sinned but God did not condemn me, He restored me, He saved me and gave me life.